So I guess my personal online dating experience really wasn't what I wished it was..
I went out with this bi guy. When I first met him, his hair was longer and he looked super fracking cute and european. He wore some skinny jeans and dark colors and seemed mysterious and engaging. I wanted to meet him because we were messaging each other super duper long messages. And then we saw each other in person and he texted me that very same day about how much fun he had. That really made me start thinking about him more. And then be sort of began to text each other a lot. And we made up this joke about how we were going to be married. And he kept saying I was pretty, and I told him I thought he was cute, and he said I made him blush. Btw, this was all through texting.
Then the other day I told him that I liked him, and that I wouldn't want it to fade, since I'm about to go abroad for two months. He said that he feels the same way but he tends to like people too quickly. I guess I should have known right then that this wasn't something that would be very concrete or substantial.
When I saw him again, it was just awkward. He looked tired and wasn't dressed as nice..he was wearing normal jeans and just a white shirt. He seemed more like a average guy. Idk. It sort of turned me off I guess in a way. I spent some time to look kinda nice for him. And it seems like the same spark wasn't there or something. We were walking around in this neighborhood and he put his arm around me and it just didnt feel right. It seemed like we had more spark through our text messages or our messages we sent to each other online. He began asking questions about who messaged who first, and how on my profile I wrote "short term dating," but he didn't think it would be less than a week (before there were finals, and now I'm about to leave.)
I told him how I messaged him first, since the only people that messaged me were ex-cons basically. I had to do the searching on that damn website. And how I didn't think I would meet anyone. He literally said awww. I don't know if he felt sorry for my pathetic-ness at that moment? I told him I only wrote short term dating on it because I honestly didn't think I would meet anyone... When I told him that he was the only person that I've met from the site he said he was "honored." I don't even know anymore.
So we sat by the freeway and he kept staring at me, and I knew he wanted to kiss me. Since I already told him I thought he was cute, I knew he was going to try to make a move on me. But he didnt! He just sat there. So then I figured, what the hell? And I kissed him. But omg, he wasn't a good kisser! It was slobbery but he kissed with his mouth closed, and he barely moved his tongue at all. It was kind of like I was trying to push down a door that was only slightly ajar. I felt like I was trying to force his mouth open. It was really weird. I kinda felt like we were fighting against each other. If a kiss feels this way, I think it's just a hint that shit isn't gonna work out. Whenever I did feel his tongue it was just awkward, he would just let it lie there or only move it around a little. It was so strange!!! It's just not the way I like to kiss at all....
That kinda sucks though.. I do like him as a friend. I think he's a cool person. He's definitely not my type though. He doesn't kiss well in my book. During it he basically said how he's going to continue to date other people while I'm away. It's kinda annoying how no one takes anything seriously. I actually stopped engaging in other people's conversations whenever I had them on that site, because in the back of my mind I was thinking of him. I hoped that the next time I saw him we would probably seriously hit it off and want to spend more time together or something. I guess I hate this shit way to personally. Or seriously. I don't know.
Either way, I think its easy to play someone up in your mind whenever you have never even heard their voice and have only read their online profile. I also felt so exposed on that website, in a bad way. ugh. It all sort of makes me upset to think about.
He asked me out on a second date, of which I said yes. However there is a strange problem. Since I met him on a dating website I'm constantly thinking about what other girls or guys he must be talking to. That range must be super wide and open since he's bi. Then I'm wondering how many people he's met since getting on the site, and how many people he was serious about, and how many people he could care less about. I don't know if I'm in the category of someone he keeps forgetting exists since he's constantly looking at my profile. Maybe the reason he keeps checking it is because he can't remember who I am or who just texted him.
It sucks thinking these things, and then I tell myself, its just a dating website and that I'm over thinking it big time. Females do this by nature. We over think shit. Its like, an encoded inscription in our DNA. We can't get rid of it no matter how hard we try. It's just another thing that makes women women and men men. Sigh..
I've also been debating if I should wish him a happy graduation tomorrow. This sorta also sucks that I'm going abroad and wont be able to spend more time with him this summer. Not really. I feel like, Idk, he will probably move on or forget about me. I'm not sure where I am on a scale of importance to him. So far he's the first one I met on the site since I recently joined and he's sort of important to me. I'm not sure if I have romantic feelings just yet. Let's just try to continue a friendship and then see where that leads. One step at a time.
I feel like my sister thinks I'm dumb about this but whatever.
So I joined ok cupid again. I did join it a few years back, because my sister's friend Allison joined and she said she found this super cute guy who looked like her ex. I remember talking to her about what she was going to wear on her date. She was super excited and happy. Until she realized that he has a baby. Then she swore off the site and deleted her account.
I just made a new account recently, and I have to say its more interesting now that I'm older. Before I didn't try messaging anyone, but I would view people's profiles and just laugh at them with my sister. Looking back, I was so young then.
I found this guy on the site. He's a architect, which sounds fantastic, right?!? He goes to a good school here. He's educated, smart, and super cute. He plays guitar too. His profile said that he dosnt smoke, dosnt have kids, and will graduate this semester with his masters. I was like, OMG YES YES YES! So then I rated him 4/5 stars, since you can rate other people's profiles, and waited to see if he would message me. He didn't. So I figured, what the hey? And messaged him. We ended up writing long letters to each other. Super long. Once I wrote like, 3000 words. I showed him my art website and he showed me his portfolio and then he asked me out.
We met up on Saturday at this coffee place. I could only spend a few hours with him, but I could tell after we were done talking there he wanted to spend the entire day with me. Since my sister planned movies and dinner with a friend, I had to leave to hangout with her. She was even worried before I left that we would be late to the movie. So I was kinda pressed on time throughout the date.
Needless to say, when I first encountered him, he was bending over.. Lol, he was picking up some change he dropped on the floor. And I didn't even think to check him out. I said his name and he got up slowly and looked at me.
"What a way to make a first impression.."
"No, its okay" I said.
And I stood there smiling at him like a total idiot. And he smiled at me. Honestly the first thing I thought when I saw him was , "He's super cute." because he was. He has this soft fluffy hair that blows in the wind but makes him look like a mix of a british 70's rock star and Jack white or something. Expect cuter. IMO.
I felt bad I had to leave early. When I left he walked me to my car and idk why I hesitated on hugging him. I think I'm such a awkward person to meet. I don't know what I shoudl say or do. It was him who was making most of the small talk, thank god.
That night he texted saying he had fun and asked what day I'd be free to hangout again. I have my last final this Sat, and then move out is on Monday, then after I'm free! We will see.
Today I was stressing over a 10 pg paper I turned in..
So I asked someones advice and they said, "why dont you just ask your friends?" And honestly that made me embaressed...
Its better just to blog about your issues here than ask for help from others.
I guess people think I always complain now? I wish they didn't see me that way but at least the semester is almost over right?
I had this super serious rough patch with my teacher since the beginning of this semester.
It all began on the second day of school. I walk in like, seven minutes late, and he told the entire class in a super condescending tone, "Well, since she's late I'm going to make her read her paper first. And I'm not going to explain to her the reason WHY she has to read her paper first, since she's late."
I seriously did try to like him, to make jokes with him like I do with other teachers, and to relate to him. I still tried even after that. But after he did that I just hated him completely. It just set the tone for the rest of the class. And I noticed he bullied other students also. He loves to display his power, just because he's a teacher and he has that ability. Honestly I think that's the reason why he's a teacher.
Anyway, I was still trying to stay on his good side for the longest time. Then after one day, he came in a super bad mood. And it totally pissed me off. He was doing that same bullying he's done. And he pissed me off because it was super cold on this day and I had a runny nose. And I left my tissue on the table, where I was sitting near my bag. And he screamed, "Whose dirty tissue is that? Is that what it's come down to? We are just going to leave our dirty tissues everywhere?" He got a napkin and threw it away.
I was actually about to re-use that tissue and blow my nose again. I didn't want to speak up, to tell him that it was my tissue because he brought out fear in me. Fear that I haven't felt since elementary school from teachers. This seriously made me scared for my life. I hated feeling this way in elementary, so why in the world do I need to put up with it again at the university level?
So I spoke down to him. That's why he realized there was something wrong. He addressed it during class and it surprised me, so I didn't feel the need to talk to him about it. After class I went up to him and told him how I didn't like the art I was making and how I felt like I've been uninspired in his class. He wasn't helpful towards making me feel better about it.
The next project he gave me a 70. I was so upset, I cried for so long. This was when I complained to the head of the department about the issue. How I feel like he isn't giving me grades I deserve, how he bullies other students, how I feel like he takes advantage of the fact that he's a teacher and has "power" over us. I told them about the tissue and about how he was rude to me the second day of class. Since then other students have arrived late but he hasn't bullied them.
So I missed two days of his class because it was spring break. Then I missed because it was raining and I was sick. Today I slept in so I was like, an hour and thirty minutes late. And I just bullshitted some presentation. And then during the presentation, I was just sitting outside his classroom. Drinking water, talking to this chick from class. And then he comes by me and was like, "SO. What's up." and I could tell it was another confrontation. So I told him, I've been sick and accidentally slept in, sorry. And he was like, "Is that all. Are you sure that's all? Are you positive there's nothing else you want to talk to me about." And I could just tell from the look of his eyes that he was still pissed off. There was this bad vibes, tension and awful energy coming from him. I could tell he was still angry about what happened, WEEKS AGO.
Mind you, I have totally forgotten all this happened. There's so many other things going on in my life right now. I'm over it. I've cried, I've complained, I've tried to talk to him about it. But I'm just over it all now. So I'm surprised its still in the back of HIS mind. Like, it psychological issue that he's dealing with now. I looked back at him like, HE was crazy, while he looked at me like I was crazy. We both mutually hate each other now, which is fine with me.
Honestly. I'm going to forget he exists. Hopefully I wont see him around anymore. I don't see Scott around ever, the teacher I had last semester, so hopefully I wont see him either. That's sad to know that thats what he thinks about me, yet at the same time I didn't expect anything less. I just cant wait to be done with this last project. 0